A few Monday afternoon .. hoping it was warmer jokes !

**DazBlackCSL** · 08-03-2010, 03:17 PM

And its nearly time to use those cups on a warm day...

But in the meantime he are some to cheer you all up !

I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'
I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking willpower'
------------------------

A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror'
No she said 'but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower'.
------------------------

Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you
that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........
Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday.
------------------------------

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today.
Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did '
-----------------------------

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait '
I said ' don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually '
---------------------------------

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts,
Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?
Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!'
------------------------------

Recession beater -
Wife says to husband ' if you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car'
Husband replies ' if you'd take it up the ar*e & let me cum on your face we could get rid of the nanny!'
-----------------------------

One of life's great mysteries -
How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK.............
but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FU**ING DAYLIGHT?
-------------------------------

Marriage councellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce.......
' Tell me something both of you have in common '
Husband after a long awkward silence ' Well neither of us sucks co*k '
----------------------------

Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight,
I thought to myself ' she'll be f**king lucky with a face like that!'
--------------------------

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!!
It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..............
Here's how it goes ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'
---------------------------

Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away '
But since all the doctors are now muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

TheBigDog · 08-03-2010, 03:25 PM

Love the chloroform one!!

TheBigDog · 08-03-2010, 03:29 PM

Some CLASSIC tommy cooper... legend.

‘So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘ I’m not stopping you.’

Went to the paper shop – it had blown away

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’

A man walked into the doctor’s, The doctor said ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time’
The man replied, ‘I know I’ve been ill’

A man walked into the doctor’s, he said ‘ I’ve hurt my arm in several places’
The doctor said ‘well don’t go there any more’

‘So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’

‘So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘ Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘ It depends where you’re calling from.’

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

**DazBlackCSL** · 08-03-2010, 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheBigDog

Love the chloroform one!!

Made me giggle too !

Bounce · 08-03-2010, 05:31 PM

Very good.

08-03-2010, 03:17 PM	#1
DazBlackCSL CSL Register Uber-poster! Join Date: Apr 2008 Location: Shaboogling Posts: 7,198 Casino cash: $28466	A few Monday afternoon .. hoping it was warmer jokes ! And its nearly time to use those cups on a warm day... But in the meantime he are some to cheer you all up ! I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days' I told him 'I wish I had your fcking willpower' ------------------------ A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q, manager says 'would you like a screw for that mirror' No she said 'but I'd suck your cock for a lawn mower'. ------------------------ Top tip; if your camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex........... Wish me luck I appear in court next Monday. ------------------------------ I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the instruction ' finish off on her face ' didn't mean ' What I thought it did ' ----------------------------- A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait ' I said ' don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually ' --------------------------------- Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts, Murphy meets him & says ' if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one? Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!! '...............Murphy says 'Four!' ------------------------------ Recession beater - Wife says to husband ' if you cycle to work we could get rid of the second car' Husband replies ' if you'd take it up the are & let me cum on your face we could get rid of the nanny!' ----------------------------- One of life's great mysteries - How is it that a woman can fit a seven inch vibrator into her half inch fanny, IN THE DARK............. but she's unable to fit an eight foot car into a fifteen foot parking space IN BROAD FU*ING DAYLIGHT? ------------------------------- Marriage councellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce....... ' Tell me something both of you have in common ' Husband after a long awkward silence ' Well neither of us sucks cok ' ---------------------------- Snow eh! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight, I thought to myself ' she'll be f*king lucky with a face like that!' -------------------------- I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them.............. Here's how it goes ' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?' --------------------------- Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away ' But since all the doctors are now muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat! __________________ CSL Register Lifestyle Coach and Social Secretary Last edited by DazBlackCSL; 08-03-2010 at 03:21 PM.*

08-03-2010, 03:25 PM	#2
TheBigDog Mode S1 - Starting Out Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 29 Casino cash: $362	Love the chloroform one!! __________________ According to Newton's Law of Motion, when a car going 60 miles per hour in one direction gets hit by a mosquito going one mile per hour in the opposite direction, the car will slow down one-millionth of a mile per hour

08-03-2010, 03:29 PM	#3
TheBigDog Mode S1 - Starting Out Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 29 Casino cash: $362	Some CLASSIC tommy cooper... legend. ‘So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘ I’m not stopping you.’ Went to the paper shop – it had blown away I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any. ‘You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.’ A man walked into the doctor’s, The doctor said ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time’ The man replied, ‘I know I’ve been ill’ A man walked into the doctor’s, he said ‘ I’ve hurt my arm in several places’ The doctor said ‘well don’t go there any more’ ‘So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said, ‘You are.’ ‘So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ‘ Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said ‘ It depends where you’re calling from.’ I bought some HP sauce the other day. It’s costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. __________________ According to Newton's Law of Motion, when a car going 60 miles per hour in one direction gets hit by a mosquito going one mile per hour in the opposite direction, the car will slow down one-millionth of a mile per hour

08-03-2010, 05:31 PM	#5
Bounce CSL Register Uber-poster! Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Cornwall Posts: 7,057 Casino cash: $35793	Very good.